


(cursed) clarity

by Shinkirou



Category: DRAMAtical Murder (Visual Novel)
Genre: Altered Mental States, Blood and Gore, Insanity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-23
Updated: 2015-10-23
Packaged: 2018-04-27 16:14:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5055334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shinkirou/pseuds/Shinkirou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it would be easier if they never had moments of lucidity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(cursed) clarity

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by two pictures that make me want to rip my heart out and stomp on it (spoiler warning! also angst!): [click me!](http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=27281435)
> 
> Literally the exact same situation as yesterday - this was almost done and I was out running errands all day so I don't have time to finish anything else so here you go!! (There might be another one or two of these tbh. I'm saving them for days when I'm screwed.)

It would be so, so much easier if they didn't occasionally suffer moments of lucidity. 

The voice - his other self; Scrap? Sly? Aoba isn't sure what to call him (but they're the same person, it laughs, and Aoba can't -), but that doesn't matter because he is quiet for once. 

It isn't a good thing. With his other self silenced, Aoba is in control of his body - but he has all of his memories. All of them. And he knows what his powers have been used for, and he knows how many people he has changed forever if not outright murdered, and he knows that Koujaku being like this is entirely his fault - 

Aoba's on his knees, with Koujaku clutched tight against his chest. They're both crying, and he knows it. Koujaku's grip on his clothes is tight enough that his knuckles are white with the strain; Aoba can feel it without even looking. At first, Koujaku had snarled at him, refusing to allow Aoba anywhere near, which from his memories is completely contradictory to how he usually acts regarding Aoba. And then he had noticed his eyes; instead of their usual solid red, his irises had been wavering between red and white. 

It had taken a few minutes for Koujaku - his Koujaku, the _real_ Koujaku, just like he is the real Aoba, refuses to believe otherwise - to break through. They had stared at each other, neither sure what to do, or say, or anything, until Aoba had cried and screamed apologies and begged Koujaku to kill him. 

Of course he wouldn't. The other him - Sly, for now, just to have something to call him (because he refused to accept that they were the same person, no no no no _no_ ) - had laughed and told him that of course Koujaku wouldn't. Sly had reminded Aoba of his and Koujaku's - the other Koujaku's - daily routine - all the blood, and the pain turned pleasure -

Aoba had sank to his knees even before Koujaku could shake his head or find his voice. Koujaku's own memories had to be stained with Aoba's blood by now - no way could he murder him. He'd already hurt Aoba so much. Even then, Aoba's body was littered with bite and claw marks, hidden mostly by his outfit but not entirely. 

And while Aoba is in control, the pain in his body is just that: pain. He aches; every part of him hurts, and he wants to die. Caught between the emotional pain of seeing Koujaku like this - which Aoba himself did, not even Sly, and Aoba wanted to scream again - and all of the things his power had been used for, including taking control of Midorijima itself... Aoba wanted to throw up, but found himself too weak to even do that. He'd slumped against the wall of the cell. Dried blood from their... _previous encounters_ peeled off the wall, but Aoba couldn't care about it. Sly just smiled in the back of his mind about it. Aoba's thoughts were racing - his body ached sharply, and as much as he wanted to die, he was aware of the fact that Sly would just take control again to stop him. 

Koujaku had taken a moment, watching him warily, probably to confirm he was staying Aoba, but then he'd come over and pressed his face into Aoba's chest. 

And so he'd clung to Koujaku. He has no right to even touch him, honestly, but he can't help it. He's even undone the shackles binding Koujaku's arms, heedless of the fact that at any moment he could lose his sanity again. Aoba doesn't care. Even if Koujaku loses his mind again and tears him to shreads, it'd be better than he deserves for all his powers have done. 

They have nothing. Their bodies, their thoughts, their powers - none of it belongs to 'them' anymore. Aoba has no idea what's going on in Koujaku's mind, if anything - trapped in his past and rage as he is, Aoba isn't sure if Koujaku even knows what is happening. Maybe that would be better - if he didn't remember, maybe he could still recover, if he could get past the failed Scrap attempt. It's an infinitesimal hope, but it's something to cling to, anyway.

In this moment, they have nothing except each other. Koujaku doesn't even seem fully aware of his surroundings, but he's crying and clinging to Aoba's sleeve regardless, since Aoba has undone the bindings. Aoba can't even stop himself from winding his arms around Koujaku's head and pulling him close to his chest - even if he should be apologizing until he dies, Aoba can't deny himself this. 

Koujaku looks so disheveled, too - his formerly black, immaculate hair is now blood red and completely untamed. His kimono is hanging around his waist, and Aoba knows from Sly's memories that it's never pulled up, only ever pushed aside so they can fuck -

Aoba doesn't want to think about it. But at the same time, he can't _not_ think about it - it's practically all Sly and _the other_ Koujaku get up to. And while Aoba wants to scream, wants to die, wants to kill himself to prevent all of these terrible things from happening, he knows it must be worse for Koujaku. 

Koujaku, whose only crime was falling in love with him and trying to help him. Koujaku never deserved any of this. Aoba's arms tighten their grip, and Koujaku shifts to move closer accommodatingly. The lack of open hostility, the fact that Koujaku is still so willing to touch and be touched by Aoba -- 

\-- hurts. This moment hurts more than all of the memories combined, and Koujaku isn't even attacking him. 

Maybe it would be easier if he was, because then at least Aoba would know how to deal with it. But no, Koujaku is simply curled up against him, sobbing into Aoba's robes, allowing himself to be held despite the fact that he should hate Aoba more than anything for doing this to them in the first place. 

... Yes.

That's right. 

All of this is Aoba's fault. Everything could have been avoided if only he hadn't failed to save Koujaku from his darkness. He knows Sly is the one feeding him these thoughts, but Aoba doesn't care. Can't bring himself to, honestly. Just because he hates his other half doesn't mean his words are lies, doesn't change the fact that they're true. If he hadn't failed... If he hadn't lost them both. If he hadn't dragged Koujaku into his mess in the first place. If he -

If, if, if. Wishing changes nothing. 

Whether he's aware or not, whether Koujaku is or not... This is all that they 'have' left to them; insanity, pain, suffering. There's nothing else, anymore, and no escape. These lucid moments don't last long enough for them to truly talk, let alone formulate any sort of plan.

If they could even manage that.

Death would be a release at this point... But Aoba can't leave Koujaku behind, but he lacks the heart and will to kill him, too.

And so this will continue. That's all there is to it.


End file.
